“BE. HERE. NOW…” were the words I heard back in 2008 as I sat in a room full of “Other People” who were fucked up. I was perfect.
And, I didn’t need to be there.
At least that was the story I was running in my head subconsciously.
And, looking back, I didn’t know what I didn’t know then, and still today I feel like I’m scratching the surface of who I am in some ways.
About a year ago, it was pointed out to me that my growth as a person had ceased. I had fallen into the trap of somehow thinking I had “arrived” when really all I had done was “remain”.
I stopped asking questions of myself, I had given up on being able to truly trust anyone, and decided that Ihad to largely go it alone because I could never be free to be myself.
It was too much.
My life was me repressing myself to fit the mold other people considered “kind” or “good” or worse yet, “acceptable”.
Not only was I killing me, I was accepting mediocrity all around me.
At my core, that has never been me.
I will bleed for what I believe in and protect to my detriment all those who are in my circle.
But that guy is a scary guy. I have to keep him hidden. I can not let him out. If I do, Iwill be ostracized… rejected… avoided.
That was my belief.
I remember being in a lower management role back in the 90s and correcting a few employees around the policy and procedure of cash handling, when later I got a call from my supervisor.
He told me that I was too intense, that I needed to tone it down when dealing with others… so I asked him, “What did I say or do that was over the top?”
His response, “It’s not really what you said or did… it’s just that you’re a big guy and you’re intimidating to be around for some people.”
So my takeaway was that how other people feel is my responsibility; which is complete and total horseshit. They are responsible for how they feel as they get to choose their emotional state.
But being the dumb kid I was, I took that to mean that I was broken and that I had to please everyone. That I was fucked up because someone chose to be intimidated by what I consider to be a pretty normal size guy: Me!
Nonetheless, their stories were now somehow my responsibility… at least in my head. And, I set forth to repress the shit out of myself until the true fire and capabilities I possess were just a shadow of their potential.
That was then… and many years in a row after.
BE HERE NOW has finally given it’s secret to me. It’s more than being present…
It’s the knowledge and wisdom that comes with having the abililty to look at the past and see it as the teacher it is.
It’s a resource for the present and future.
It’s a wealth of information to draw from.
BE HERE NOW means to be FREE of your past. Freedom means you CHOOSE.
Your past is not going anywhere. You can not change that nor choose that…
You CAN change it’s significance. It’s meaning. It’s lessons and takeaways.
For me, the story I made up about needing to repress my power has been changed to:
“My power lies in influence… And, if I want to effect real change, I will master the art of influence.”
My new behavior and belief around influence is that “I step into power when I adjust my approach to another individual’s ability to recieve the message I have to share.”
I don’t give up my power, I leverage it to shape the circumstances. And, for those I bond with, create deeper levels of intimacy.
So my question for you is this: Where in your life is the stories you made up about your past determining your current state?
If you are honest, you will have many answers to that question. Identify one and start changing the story.
BE HERE NOW is being free to act in the moment on a set of values and principles you’ve chosen… not from duress, from pure intent on what you want to create.
With Love, Sight, and Expansion.